What Now?
Hello wonderful viewer I hope you are well! Here is a little something I wrote to address the question above. These two words are loaded with mystery, ambiguity and spontaneity; all aspects of life I lack. But, I hope to work on that. If you also struggle with letting life do it’s thing then this is a must read. Enjoy:)
What Now? This is a question I do not think I have ever asked myself before. I have never seen a need to do so. Why you might ask? I have had my life planned out since I was roughly 8 years old. I am now 20 and for the past 12 years I have been living my life with the expectation that somehow my plan will undoubtedly unfold. Pretty unrealistic right? Yeah, talk about control issues! This plan I am referring to consists of a few things: post-college Olivia, my career, marriage, motherhood; all of the milestones I wish to achieve. According to my rationale, this plan will come true because I said so and I want it to. How silly, right? Now, I am not trying to undermine determination and ambition but there is no way to guarantee that anything I plan will come true. That is when fear can creep in, anxiety can fester and voila! Control issues!
At the wise age of 8 (every 2nd grader knows that kids with glasses are super smart and my magenta pink frames had all my classmates fooled) I thought that if I planned out my life for the foreseeable future then I would have nothing to worry about. If I selected each and every character, detail, phase, and location the story would parallel the fantasies and dreams that danced around in my head. While my imagination still resembles my 8 year old mind, I now realize where my judgment was flawed. Meticulous planning, plotting and scheming is stressful and quite frankly a waste of time. When has anything that I have ever done turned out 100% how I thought it was going to? Hint: never. Aware of this statistic, I persisted with my plan. I go about my days with tunnel vision: if I can just get my life to flourish as I see it in my head then I will succeed.
Let’s use that imagination I was talking about for a second. Let’s say my plan became my reality. Every. Little. Detail. You would think based on my need to control everything this would be pure bliss. Wrong. I would spend my entire life fixated on making sure each box was checked to perfection and when it was all over, I would look back and regret it all. See, when I am fully consumed by ever-pressing thought and worry, I am not taking anything in. The world around me full of life, opportunity, and joy that I should be marveling at is overpowered by my mind. Thoughts violently thrashing about, spinning and stimulating every ounce of my being. It’s exhausting by the way, being hyper aware of everything you are thinking. Thoughts do not simply pass through my mind. They stroll, linger, stay awhile; some too long, others never leave.
But what if I could block out the noise? Press a mute button of sorts on my mind to drown out the nonsense, fears, and anxieties? Now that would be pure bliss. Is it weird to say that I think I need nonsense and irrational thoughts? I have accepted them as my normal; the exhaustion I thought was just a part of life. Now, I wonder if I have had it wrong this whole time. I have to say, it’s quite ironic that I control things to eliminate stress but setting those unrealistic expectations and having to comfort myself when they do not get met is arguably very stressful. In fact, my control issues cause more stress than any other contributor like school, work, etc.
Control is a big fat lie. Being “in control” is improper phrasing when it comes to anything but these three things: my thoughts, actions, and emotions. These are the ONLY things I can control. That last sentence tells you I am self aware but the words are meaningless if I do not believe it for myself. Every word I type, each piece of advice, anecdote, quote; I need to hear it too. I need to take my own advice so do not think I am just preaching. I am learning just like everyone else and I feel so lucky that we get to learn together:) So let’s take in these words. Let go. Please, just do it. Your life will pan out exactly how it is supposed to. Even when it is hard, there is always a purpose, a positive angle, and a place to begin again. I am in a season of my life currently that feels very dark and dull. It’s no fun. But I am doing my best, taking it day by day and getting help. The last thing I need is to try to control the uncontrollable factors that make up this beautiful thing called life. So what now? Let’s live more and control less; a lot less. It won’t be easy but you are not alone. Ever. So much love as always and see you next week!
