What if I didn’t fail?
I am back and currently tackling my fear of failure head on, let’s talk about it:)
I have never been so scared to fail in my entire life. Right now, on April 7th, at 9:47 PM, I am petrified that I will not succeed. Succeed at what you might ask? Life. The entire thing, just a dire, unsuccessful existence. That's quite a tall order of catastrophic thought.
Last Saturday, I had an odd conversation with my Uber driver on our ride home from an eventful night out in Pacific Beach. He was quite timid but talked through his nerves with 3 drunken 20-something-year-olds gabbing on and on around him. I began to pester him with questions about anxiety, and in his clearly nervous state, I began to drunkenly diagnose him. My friends said my exact words were, “You have what is called catastrophic thought, and that is not awesome.”
This wildly blunt phrase flew out of my mouth and naturally made Mr. Uber Driver even more uneasy, but I sit here and think I needed to hear it for myself, more than he needed it barked in his face.
I dabble in catastrophic thinking…not just dabble…I have taken it prisoner; shackled ankle to ankle in a never-ending three-legged race propelled by my anxious mind.
And like I said, ‘that is not awesome.’ This now infamous line amongst me and my co-workers/Uber passengers, Kortney and Quinn, got a big laugh from all of us when recounting our night the next morning at work. But beneath the laughs, I knew the truth. It’s time to practice what I preach.
I am an expert at giving the advice I need to hear to other people, but I don't practice it for myself. Why do you think I have this blog? Just kidding, but seriously, I say all of these things because whether I realize it at the time or 2 months later, that message, coping skill, or affirmation was meant to come back to me.
I catastrophize all the time. All it took was an impromptu, not to mention unsolicited, therapy session with my Uber driver for me to harness my self-awareness and finally get back on the blog to dissect it.
Something I am so scared to fail at is this blog. I haven’t been posting for many reasons, but I think it has something to do with the following:
Imposter syndrome
Procrastination
Not taking care of myself
And the suffocating combination that is being a second-semester college senior watching the sun set on my academic career, the life I have built over the last 4 years, and the post-grad job, living situation unknowns.
This blog means the world to me. The fact that I haven’t posted since September feels like I have failed as a writer, content creator, and also that I have failed all of you. My hiatus feels permanent, paralyzed by the fear of what would happen if I started again. Because then, I would have something to lose.
Btw: I re-read my blog entries all of the time. I go back to my words when I need to hear the hard truths about anxiety and remind myself that I do know what to do. These past few months, my anxiety’s lies have gotten the best of me, but I am grateful for the reminder of how HAGO helps all girls (including me!)
These past few months have been nothing but learning and growing day after day. I have had good days, bad days, even meh days, but all have been hindered by my anxiety and negative, depressive energy. Each day that goes by that I do not blog, it gets a little harder for me to imagine starting to write and post again.
But it’s all up to me, right? It’s up to me to show up, to reframe, regroup, and re-energize myself. This is so hard. I am so painfully aware of what I want, it's just the first leap towards change that feels impossible sometimes. But oh boy, is my life about to change.
I can feel the tectonic plates of my life shifting under me. The physical feeling of change is both exciting and terrifying. My two feet are firmly planted on the ground, but I have no idea what the surface has in store. The path unpaved, waters uncharted, and for the first time in my life, there is no next grade, next semester, next anything?
What on earth do I do now?
Well, I know what I am not supposed to do. Catastrophize. I refuse to spend another second letting my brain jump to the most irrational conclusions. I will not sit around and linger in my anxious mind any longer. Assuming the worst has got me nowhere, so I might as well start assuming the best.
What if I start posting again on HAGO and I feel connected again?
What if all my hard work pays off and I get an entry-level design position in an exciting new city?
What if it all worked out?
What if I didn’t fail.
What if it was never about failing at all?
If I am making the conscious effort to grow a little bit each day, put myself first, listen to what I need, and only control my glittery superpowers (my thoughts, feelings, and actions)
Then, I CANNOT FAIL.
I cannot fall short of success when the path is unpaved; a never-ending network of possibilities, decisions, and options.
My path has no end, and neither does yours. While the route may be unknown, the surface sets a foundation for endless opportunity. Catastrophizing and fearing failure will stop you dead in your tracks.
You aren’t even allowing the path to unfold, instead, you are hiding out in a deep, dark pot hole of despair. There is no use lingering in the stuckness; keep moving.
Right now, I have no idea where I am headed. I sit here with no post-grad job, no lease signed come the end of July, and I feel like a failure.
Instead, let’s reframe:
I don’t have a post-grad job YET.
I don’t have a new lease YET.
Who am I to stop in the middle of the road? That’s how you get hit by oncoming traffic. KEEP MOVING
I am so scared, but so excited. I am so ready for change in all sizes, shapes, and colors. As long as I keep on moving, even at the slowest of paces, I will be okay. I know it.
Thank you for listening and always being here for me. As always, HAGO, and please be kind to yourself. Change is scary, anxiety is annoying, and catastrophic thought is ‘not awesome.’
