9/27/23

Hello! Here is a blog post straight from the journal. I wrote the first half in the library procrastinating my homework and the second half laying in my bed later that night:) This truly is an x-ray into my brain and I hope that anything I have to say is relatable, or at least entertaining!

How am I already over a month into my junior year of college?! Time is quite the criminal let me tell you. I feel both so old and young at the same time my brain can’t fully process how I am actually supposed to feel at age 20 (21 in 4 months counting down the days). I am supposed to be excited right? Super adult? Responsible? Sure. I mostly feel tired, burnt out, and a bit all over the place honestly. It’s weird because I feel like I always say that. I tell myself I just need to be patient and I will fall back into my rhythm but I have been a wee bit off this semester. Not in a bad way just…different? I think that’s called aging right? Remember when I talked about outgrowing my shell.. (If you do not know what I am referring to read my post: “Turning 20” it’s a good one) well I think I am between shells? My old shell is great, it’s done me well but I am in the market for a new one. A big-girl shell if you will. A pink sparkly shell, a bit bigger and stronger than the last. This new shell will be fully equipped to brave any rough seas that might come crashing my way. A new home to keep me safe, sane and steadily growing until I once again start looking for another shell. My current shell feels like it is overflowing. My sorority life, academic life, social life, anxieties, mundane tasks, and everything else that consumes my brain feel confined to a tiny little space. It’s awfully claustrophobic. Yes I could probably benefit from a good declutter but I need more room for growth too. If any of you are looking for some mental clutter including but not limited to: fear, anxiety, stress, fatigue, lack of sleep, and more I will have a box outside my room labeled “FREE: take at your own risk.” 

I recently went on a solo trip that brought me out of my comfy shell. I flew alone for the first time and I was definitely a bit nervous. My dramatic mind was convinced that I would go through security and they would find a machete in my backpack and I would be banned from all air travel indefinitely. I know dramatic right? That obviously did not happen, I know you are shocked! I flew to Boise, Idaho on Thursday night to visit my childhood best friend Ella. She goes to Boise State University and we have been trying to plan a visit for the past two years and we finally found the golden weekend. I honestly had no idea what to expect. Idaho? Potatoes? Idk. I was pleasantly surprised by how beautiful Boise is. As a San Diego Native going on 20+ years of residency, I expected to think “oh this is cool! But I would never live here” But I was wrong. The trees, the crisp air and amount of greenery around me was so refreshing. Also everything is wayyyy less expensive there. I got a massive breakfast burrito that I had for breakfast and lunch one morning for 7 dollars. In Socal that is unheard of. Driving around, I would look at the streets as if it was a desolate tiny town but in reality San Diego is so congested that this is the normal population size for the given area. I was reminded just how overpopulated San Diego is. The difference between Downtown San Diego and Downtown Boise is unreal. Finding parking downtown? Unheard of. Free Sunday parking downtown? In your dreams. Boise is a gem. I spent 3 full days there and was thoroughly entertained. We hiked, walked campus, went thrifting, got coffee, ice cream, explored downtown and so much more. My favorite part of the whole trip was getting to see the places where Ella has built her new life. We walked by her freshman dorm and she pointed out the spot where she would Facetime me freshman year. How precious, right? So many memories were exchanged outside of that brick building. I remember exactly where I was when Ella told me she got her first boyfriend (walking down the ramp in the Student Union on the way to my 9am) and it was so special to see her perspective of that core memory. So many laughs, tears, and late nights were shared there; don’t mind me getting all nostalgic over here lol. By the end of my trip I felt connected to her college life in a new way. I see why she loves Boise; the place, the people, the school, all of it. My heart gets all warm and fuzzy sitting here writing about it:) I will most definitely be back in Boise soon:)

I got back from Boise super early Monday morning and as soon as I set foot in my room I crashed. I crashed hard. I also watched Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Great movie, highly recommend. Post movie and nap rejuvenation, I was still tired to my dismay. But, I had shit to do! I am currently a mother to 160 lovely new members who love to text me:) I love all of them dearly but the amount of text messages I get can be, how do I put this..overwhelming? All-consuming? Cumbersome? Regardless of the adjective, it’s a lot. I am still working on balancing my sorority obligations with everything else. This will always be a work in progress, probably until I graduate. If you know me, I do a lot and care a lot. It’s a double edged sword for sure. The more you do, the more energy you need to exert, and caring about lots of things sucks the energy right out of you. I make time for the things I truly care about. So if I make time for you (the person reading this right now) hi! I care about you! I want you in my life and if you are reading this you most likely want to stick around too:) I care so deeply it sometimes scares me. I want the best for everyone around me, most of the time ahead of my own needs. I love fiercely (which is terrifying) and take pride in being vulnerable and going after what I want. I refuse to waste my time letting feelings or thoughts fester, I need to act on them. I owe it to myself to cut the bullshit. You should care, but be careful. Let your guard down, but guard your heart. Think things through, but don’t overthink. Notice how each half of those three phrases parallels its counterpart. The slightest variation can alter all meaning behind the fewest of words. There is so much power in what we say and how we say it. One way to show that you care is to be intentional. Not just with your words, but in everything you do. This is not always easy but spending your time intentionally is so much more fulfilling than aimlessly throwing energy/attention at an unworthy agenda. So care deeply; about anything and everything that is deserving of your precious time. I want to spend more time sending postcards to my friends, playing guitar, running, writing, baking, and reading. As a human being with free will, guess what? I can do all of those things! But sometimes life can get in the way, that’s okay! That’s normal! But by practicing intentionality, we can find a balance between the things we want to do versus have to do. Why should I do that? Because I care! If you don’t, you should. Life is so much better when you care. Trust me. Xoxo, HAGO