Brain Dump 2/25/24
I have lived most of my life with the thought that my future plans need to accommodate my future partner. That I must always have this unknown person’s needs and hypothetical future plans in the back of my mind. This ideal is unconsciously backseat driving the trajectory of my early adulthood. This is a very vague ideal to adopt because I have no idea what my future boyfriend’s life looks like. How on earth do I expect myself to know how someone is going to fit into my life if I maybe haven’t even met them yet? This blank space, empty seat, other half if you will, has directly impacted my decisions and still does. An ambiguous silhouette continues to alter my goals, scale down my dreams, and make me question myself entirely. All because I am trying to be considerate and aware of sharing my future with someone I do not know yet?
I was taught to be overwhelmingly thoughtful in all areas of my life, some of which are better approached with a stiffer spine rather than a melting heart. I have since learned how to respond to situations with my best interest at the forefront, while still utilizing my keen awareness. That does not mean I get it right every time though.
I just recently realized that this way of life (no joke, just talked to my g-little in the car about this and ran upstairs to write this all down) gets me absolutely nowhere. I thought that by limiting myself, I would have a better chance of finding someone whose life would align with mine. This is a recipe for frustration and regret. I find myself sitting here, floating in the pool of my dreams and aspirations wondering how I am going to reach them with such an unknown uncontrollable variable directly in my field of view?
I want a boyfriend, who doesn’t. But how badly do I want one? At the expense of my dreams, goals, and desires? Can I have both? How do I make space for the unknown when I have no control over what is coming?
Here is my challenge to myself: Let’s be selfish. I do not owe this nonexistent partner anything. They don’t know me. I do not know them (if you know my soulmate, introduce us obviously) so why am I giving them so much power over my life? If I had all the answers I would not be asking the questions:)
I no longer want to live life trying to be three steps ahead of the unknown and trying to create an environment for a partner that might be in an entirely different ecosystem. I could spend all of my time thinking my life is better off being understated and safe. How lame is that?
Let’s predict the events of my lame life if I continue on this path: I see myself carefully preparing for this new person to enter my life and all of a sudden they pop out of nowhere and derail the effort and expectations I have set forth so meticulously. My brain would immediately freak out: “this is not what we had in mind.” I cannot plan for this. I cannot control this in the slightest. So let’s stop trying to predict the unknown. If everything in my life worked out how I had planned, I would be miserable. Like my Dad’s favorite quote from Frozen, “ Let it goooooo!” He sings it too of course.
I want a boyfriend who is goal oriented and motivated to achieve their dreams. I find that to be such an attractive trait. Why can’t I see that same level of appreciation in myself? I want to give off the energy I want to attract. If I want someone who is a driven dreamer, then let’s drive straight to Dreamland.
Do not accommodate, instead reevaluate.
Ask yourself: What is the best use of my time to better myself right now?
Here is my answer to this question:
School
Friends/Family
My Career
My Hobbies and Passions
Notice how “Unknown future boyfriend who I know nothing about and have no control over” is nowhere in sight.
Let’s get lost in what WE want to do. Do not let uncontrollable forces wield their weightless power over you. If you catch yourself over accommodating, take a step back and assess what you CAN control.
Little refresh: There are only three things you can control.
your THOUGHTS
your FEELINGS
& your ACTIONS
That’s it.
I will say this over and over until it is engraved in my brain and even then I do not think I will always remember. When you break down each and every anxiety, thought, etc. it all comes back to your three glittery superpowers. No one can take these away from you, and it is not your place to try and control someone else's superpowers.
I need to let my future partner independently cultivate their strengths so together we are an unstoppable force. A unit. No longer a blank space, just a memory of the once empty seat. You deserve someone who has made the conscious effort to prioritize themself while single to the point of peak self improvement. They are putting in the work so that all you have to do is show up. And if you do the same, holy moly are you in for a treat. We owe it to ourselves to embody the attraction we seek in others.
Main Takeaways:
Stop over accommodating
Do not let the unknown run your life
Get lost in your dreams and goals
What are the three things you can control?
Find confidence in your superpowers.
For those of you who are already in a happy relationship, it is not a bad idea to evaluate your goals and dreams as a team. As partners, you are there to support and encourage each other! I hope that this entry is a healthy reminder of how to navigate your individuality within and outside of a relationship. Hopefully my singleness will end soon so I can start writing relationship content:) As always you know the drill: xoxo, HAGO.
